First Day of Preschool

Today was Charlotte's first day of preschool.  I think she must have been excited because she had a hard time sleeping last night, even eventually venturing in to sleep with me.  Anyone that knows Charlotte knows that when she is down, she is out so that is highly unusual!

She did a great job this morning getting up and getting ready.  She isn't really a morning person so I was very happy with how awesome she did.  We headed out of the house about 8:30 to snap a few pictures in the front yard before heading to school.  She was literally jumping up and down yelling "preschool!!" over and over.

If I had to pick one thing that she was most excited about it was definitely getting to take her backpack. The girl loves her a backpack!

She did some super cute shots to show Daddy since he is out of town and then off we went.

 We got to the school and she was off!

She got a bit more timid when we got inside because there was just some general confusion as to what to do first, where stuff goes, etc...

Her teacher directed us to her cubby at the end of the hall, "closest to the recess door" she said.  

She asked me at least twice this morning if there were going to be papers for her backpack.  There were but we didn't put them in because I wasn't sure if they did that as a class.  She was a little disappointed to leave those lonely papers in her cubbie!

Then off she went to her room.  Walked right in.  Talked to her teacher and began to play.  

That's my girl.  She had an amazing day.  When I picked her up we got the all important papers for her bag and she told me little bits about her day.  They painted their feet to make foot prints but cleaned them off.  She played in the sandbox on the playground.  She doesn't know any kids names so I shouldn't ask.  Ms. Silber painted the foot, but only one foot, not two and if you wore a sock you had to take off your sock too.  And, most importantly, she had fun.

The absolute sweetest moment of the day was when she finally paid attention to Oliver when I set him down to write a check.  She grabbed him, hugged him, and exclaimed, "Oh Ollie, I just missed you with my whole heart".  Seriously that girl.  Every adult in earshot oohed and ahhed and I about melted. She is the sweetest girl and I can't wait to watch her learn and explore over this year.

Friday Phone Dump

Our Week in an Instagram (username:mandyskudler)

Charlotte Says...

I think it is time to start a new section here on this good old blog of ours.  Charlotte has a knack for saying things that are either far beyond her years or hilarious as heck.  Sometime the things she says are both of those things.  Time to chronicle the funny and share them here.

Last night I was actually going to head up to bed at a reasonable time, like when I was taking Charlotte up to bed (she stays up too late).  I told Jim that I was going to go ahead and go to bed when I took her up.  He said that he was actually getting ready to head up too (although to watch Lost on his iPad as opposed to going straight to bed".

So I say jokingly "Ok, but if you keep me awake I'm gonna have to punch ya".

Then I look down at Charlotte and say "Haha, Mommy wouldn't punch Daddy would I?"

And she starts laughing pretty good and says, "I don't know Mommy, sometimes you might!"

Jim and I both died laughing.  I have no idea what prompted any part of what I said but seriously her response was too funny.  And for those who don't know, there is no punching going on in our house!

As I lifted Charlotte into her bed she laughs a little and says "Guess I shouldn't have said that".  She is classic.

Welcoming Fall

Summer is officially coming to an end.  I don't know about anyone else, but it seems like next Monday our schedule sort of explodes into high gear.  A little bit of me is ready for fall.  Ready for a change and for moving forward.  There is a bit of me though, that would like to hang on to this summer for a bit longer.  It came and went so quickly and with the emotional ride that this summer was I feel like we never really got a chance to pause and enjoy it.

This past week I had my 6 week check up after having the girls.  I absolutely can not believe that it has been that long.  All summer fall seemed so far away.  Fall meant we were hitting safety zone with the twins.  We would have been 24 weeks this week, September 5th.  24 weeks meant hospitalization, which I was terrified of, but it also meant viability, a huge milestone.

We had already agreed with our doctor's that I wouldn't be hospitalized until after I was able to take Charlotte to her first day of preschool.  Perhaps that is part of the reason I have been so apprehensive towards her going.  It seems like even though everything is moving forward there is a part of me stuck back in July, not willing to believe that what we had planned for this fall is no longer what it will hold for us.  There is another part of me, that is growing bigger every day, beginning to accept the changes that have taken place over the last 6 weeks.  A part of me that is allowing for these events to move us forward and I am really desiring to find a way to let them change me for the better.

I feel like I have 2 choices.  I can hurt constantly and allow myself to wallow in my grief, to let it drown me and to succumb to every hurting piece of my heart.  Or, I can hurt constantly but use that to find what can make me feel better.  It won't heal me, but it will make me feel like they have impacted my life for the positive.  I think that they would want that.  They would want to know that they made their Mom a better person.  So everyday I dig a little deeper and work hard to be the person I would want them to know me as.  

I would want them to know a happy person, a healthy person, a good Mom and Wife.  Someone who embraces fun, loves her family, and works hard.  I am trying to complain less, love more, and in all cliche-ness, "look on the bright side".  Not all of these things are happening at once, but little by little I am working on them all.  This last week the kids and I ventured to the beach to enjoy a nice hot, summer day before they end.  It was before 10:00am when we got there and we were about the only people in sight.  A friend of mine stopped to visit and we chatted.  Charlotte played in the sand and splashed in the water.  Oliver played on the blankets and would occasionally grab a handful of sand and look at me like "what is this?!?".  I feel good to be getting out more and doing these things with my kiddos that I dreamed this summer would have been filled with.  I suppose, it's never too late.

Sometimes people think that if you are grieving you need to be outwardly upset or your grief doesn't exist.  Untrue.  I was talking with my best friend this past week and we were discussing that very idea.  She lost her brother when she was 12 and she felt like even then people were judging her behavior.  "How can you be laughing/smiling/having fun when your brother just died?"  Because like summer moving to fall, life still goes on.  

I think about Ruthie and Imogene every day.  Every.  Single.  Day.  Every morning when I am working out (yep folks...you heard that right.  Like exercise and the whole bit.  I even wear "work out" clothes) I think of them.  The sun always rises during class and the sky turns pink.  Every time I see the pink sky I think, "Hey.  There's my girls".  Not to mention the dozens, heck even hundreds of times I think of them beyond that.  Just because life keeps going doesn't mean our thoughts of them don't.  So I do have some comfort in welcoming fall that they are coming with me, and they always will.

Friday Phone Dump

Our Week in an Instagram (user name: mandyskudler)

From the Mouths of Babes

Our preschool visit the other day lasted all of 20-25 minutes.  We introduced ourselves, chatted for a few minutes, then one of the teachers had Charlotte color a star while I discussed various school procedures with the other teacher.  Yet somehow, even in that short of a time span, Charlotte managed to tell a story that truly made me seem like quite the crazy lady.

Here is the back story.  The week before last it was early in the morning and Jim was just leaving for work.  Oliver had woken up in the middle of the night with his darn two front teeth giving him grief and I had gotten up with him.  This left me both exhausted and frustrated when Jim was leaving for work.  When he kissed me good bye I was less than enthusiastic to return the gesture because I was so tired and grumpy that he did not help with Oliver that night since I was up until the wee hours editing a wedding.  For some reason I immediately regretted being less than lovey-dovey when he left but I shrugged it off and continued to feed Oliver and hope for a nap.  

About 5 minutes after Jim left all of these sirens went screaming by our house, and we never hear sirens.  I immediately had a sinking feeling in my stomach and just knew that something must be wrong.  I mean, CLEARLY Jim had just been in a mangled mess of a car accident right down the street.  I just knew it.  

I grabbed my cell phone and called him expecting him to answer and tell me I was crazy but he still loved me and we would be on our merry way for the day.  No answer.  Weird.  He must not have been able to get it out of his pocket in time, I reason, so I call again.  No answer.  I start to feel a little panicky and not giving the phone 2 seconds to rest I call a 3rd time.  No answer.  Oh boy.  Now all I can picture in my head is Jim in his crumpled car having to listen to his phone incessantly ring and not being able to pick it up.  In my mind, a cop is going to answer any second to tell me he was in this terrible accident.  

Full.  On.  Panic.

I put Oliver down, throw on a bra under my t-shirt and some flip flops (2 necessities if I am going to be spending the day in the hospital with my poor husband).  I go upstairs and wake up Charlotte and carry her immediately to the car.  Come back, grab Oliver, and off we go with us all still clad in pajamas.  We were out of the house in about a minute and 37 seconds.  If my husband was lying trapped in his car, or being wheeled off in an ambulance, etc... I was going to be there.  I was not going to let the last thing I said to him be a grumpy "have a good day".  

I acted pretty calm as I drove in the directions of the sirens.  I was prepared.  I was ready for what I was sure to find.  Hmm...nothing.  I turn in the direction he would take and follow his path until he would have gotten on the interstate.  Still nothing but sun filled morning streets.  Well, I figure, he must have turned the other way down our block.  So I head back to find the accident that way.

Meanwhile I am still calling his cell phone, his work phone, his cell phone again.  Every time no answer.  In my head he should be at work by now so the panic is growing a bit.  I turn back down the street the meets the other end of our block my gut wrenching.  I am expecting to see the flashing lights any second but still nothing.  I turn the other way and start to head back to the interstate.  

Just then, he answers his work phone.  I burst into tears and start sobbing on the phone.  I am trying to explain my insane actions to him and he has no idea what I am saying because I am crying so hard.  I calm down enough to explain myself and he assures me he is ok.  He pulls his phone out of his pocket and it had somehow gotten put on silent.  I think he said he missed like 11 calls, not to mention the calls to his office phone.  

After feeling silly, apologizing for acting crazy, and some good "I love you's" the kids and I grabbed some breakfast and headed home.  I thought breakfast would be my cover for yanking Charlotte from her slumber to go chasing a non-existent accident.  When Jim got home that day Charlotte told him that we looked for him in a car accident but he was ok.  Great.  She heard me blubbering on the phone to him and put it together.  The girl is bright.  

So back story aside, the preschool teachers are here and the one I am talking with mentions doing fire and tornado drills every month.  She said something and I mention that Charlotte does know what to do if we hear sirens for a tornado.  The teacher turns to Charlotte and asks her and she replies, 

"when we hear sirens we have to go to the basement to be safe.  And sometimes when we hear other sirens we go see if Daddy was in a car accident but he is ok".

Out of the mouths of babes.  I turn a nice shade of red as I quickly explain that my hormones have been a bit out of whack and I am certainly more scared than normal that something is going to happen to Jim or the kids and so this led me to irrationally to track down this non-existent car accident.  Don't worry, I will gladly accept the Crazy Lady Award at the preschool banquet because even I think that in that circumstance I must have been a bit looney.

In all the teachers seemed pretty unaffected by it.  I think they were trying to do the math in their heads (she said her baby girls passed away at 17 weeks a month ago and the baby she is holding is nine months old so that would make them how close together?).  Never the less, I can't wait to find out what Charlotte spills next. 

The Preschool Debate

Somehow, today on Facebook, a comment I made led to a small debate about preschool.  I am never quite sure how 22 comments later the entire point of the message has changed, yet it manages to happen.  My status update was as follows:

"Today Charlotte's preschool is coming over for the home visit they do.  I have to say, I am totally second guessing preschool at 3.  I mean seriously, she is 3!!  Why are we all forcing our kids to grow up so quickly?  I might need some convincing..."

Let me begin by saying that I had not really second guessed this at all until this week.  I was filling out her assessment that the school sends out and she far exceeded everything they asked for except for jumping on one foot.  Literally, every single thing they asked she was at the highest level on.  And, to clarify, obviously I believe my kids to be the most awesomest kids ever to be born and obviously very bright and exceptional, however these questions were not subjective.  It was a clear, definitive answer.  My child does this all of the time, most of the time, some of the time, rarely, or never.  And, like I said, she was all of the time in every box (3 pages worth of boxes) except for hopping on one foot.

It didn't take Jim and I both long to look at each other and think, "ummm...., is she going to be bored?".  No, she probably won't be, but the thought still entered my head.  I couldn't help but wonder if we should send her at all.  I mean when she is 4 and in the pre-k program I would be totally for it, but the 3 year old preschool I just started feeling unsure.

My feelings are, our kids have their whole childhoods to go to school.  They start at the maximum age of 5 and go until they are 18.  Parents pack their kids' lives full of activities often missing dinners and family time to make it to sports practices, dance classes, team events, tutoring, study groups, on and on and on....   I am guilty of this as well.  Charlotte has attended some type of class since she was about 6 months old.  We have done Kindermusik, infant swim, dance class and more.  We have also made the choice to allow only one activity at a time.  Who needs more than that at 3 years old?

Sometimes I think we are so busy moving from one thing to the next that we forget that our kids are kids.  They need a childhood.  They have their entire lives to be go, go, go so why should we start it so early?  I know this is a choice, but we all know it is far to easy to get sucked into what it happening all around us.  Kids are not little adults.  Kids are kids.

The first few friends who commented were very positive and spoke about their own kiddos who have been to 3 year old preschool.  Others who knew Charlotte commented how much she would love it.  And eventually, somewhere it turned into people thinking I was doubting the importance and often necessity of preschool and that somehow I didn't understand what she might get out of the experience.

The thing is, I do know what she will get.  I know she will love it.  I know that if we didn't go to preschool this year, all I would hear for the next 365 days would be "Mom, when do I get to go to preschool".  I know that one of the things she needs most, which I alone can not provide, will be provided there; interaction with kids her own age.  I know that she will have fun.  I know that she will learn and grow and quite certainly be better next year because of it.

But I also know that I am a selfish Mom (it's true, I admit it).  I can't help but think that it is happening too soon and that waiting another year would be better...for me.  It is only 2 short mornings a week, and I am sure I can hang in there.  Regardless I just want to be able to give her the best childhood possible.  To postpone being a little adult while still allowing her to grow up.

I have no doubt that my girl will love preschool (after all, she is her Mommy's daughter; her Mom who threw a giant hissy fit as a little girl when she tested out of preschool even though she was eventually allowed to go when the class didn't fill up).  She loves to learn and she adores showing off her skills, especially for some praise, just like her Mama again.  She will do great and I will survive.  I can't even imagine how I am going to be come kindergarten.  Ugh! (just a sound effect folks, don't go getting up in arms that I am anti-kindergarten now as well).

Friday Phone Dump

Our week in an Instagram

Divorcing Weddings

This week I finally finished editing the wedding I shot on June 16th.  After shooting I usually let it sit for a week or so to decompress (shooting weddings are hard work!).  By that time life was a flurry of doctor's appointments, funerals (my Grandpa and Aunt Virginia's), vacation prep, and then the delivery of twins and the recovery.  A whole month gone.

What a HUGE relief to have this behind me though.  I do believe that is the last wedding I will shoot.  The payday from a wedding is ok, but I am not sure it is good enough.  Sorry weddings, but you and I are officially divorcing.  I will feel even more caught up and fantastic once I finish up a couple other sessions so that I am no longer behind and back to on track with things.

I also had my first newborn shoot since having the girls and it went really well.  Some people were concerned what that first shoot would be like, and in all honesty it was great.  My point of reference isn't really current newborns, but rather pregnant people who are at about the same place in their pregnancies that I would have been.  I am unreasonably angry at them, and obviously it is absolutely no fault of their own.  I wish I could explain it but the fact is that they still have what I don't.  I am getting better with that every day as well.

Here's on to a bit more editing while the kiddos are playing together.  They have been having so much fun together lately now that Oliver is mobile and more interactive with Charlotte.  It is honestly the coolest thing to watch!

One Month ~ Day of Hope

Today, August 19th, marks one month since we had Ruthie and Imogene.  In some respects it feels like it has been ages since that excrutiating day and sometimes it feels like yesterday.  Grieving is certainly a process and I feel like we are managing the as well as can be expected.  Each week has gotten better, but there are certainly tough days.

What we never go through is a day we don't remember or aren't reminded of our girls.  Sometimes it's simple, like yesterday.  We had deli sandwiches for dinner.  You can't eat lunchmeat while you are pregnant and this was the first time I had eaten it since the delivery.  Small thing, big pangs of grief.

Sometimes the hurt is worse.  I took Charlotte and Oliver to the splash park this past week (they had an absolute blast).  On the way there, I was exiting the interstate and realized very quickly that this was the exit we had to take to get to the funeral home.  I couldn't help but choke tears back for the last bit of the way to the park.

I am sure that a quick look back in my blog will tell you one of my hardest days.  I probably shouldn't have blogged at that exact moment, but something like that makes the hurt run so deep.  It brings the dreaded questions of "why us?".  A question that will never be answered.

This last week one night Jim and I stayed up far too late talking about everything.  It was nice to talk about them, our feelings, etc...  One thing we both agreed about was feeling guilty on good days.  I know that we shouldn't feel that way, but it doesn't mean that we don't.  Sometimes we feel like we have to hurt deeply and often to keep them close.  We both know that is not the case, but anyone who has grieved a significant loss will understand that feeling I believe.  Each smile, every laugh, each new memory without them still hurts.

I hate that we lost our girls.  I hate that we aren't going to be able to watch them grow.  I hate that they won't get to know their sister, brother and us.  But what I hate most is that we are not alone.  So many others have experienced the loss of a child.  August 19th is also Day of Hope, I copied the following regarding this special day:

"August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. People view the death of a baby as just a sad thing that happened. These babies that die are not sad things that happen. They are people, much loved and wanted children. They are brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters.

August 19th is about openly speaking about these children and celebrating their short lives.

By having this special day once a year we get people speaking about pregnancy, infant and child loss. And by doing this we break those walls down so that people are not afraid to speak about these children anymore."

Please take some time today to honor those babies you know who have gone.  Don't just honor them quietly or with little fanfare.  Feel free to tell everyone you know about them.  Sing their names!

Ruthie and Imogene, my darling baby girls, Mom and Dad love you and miss you so much.  Charlotte told you guys about watching the Lorax this week.  She didn't know if you could hear her since she was talking to your urn.  I told her that you both would always hear her, and she could talk to you anytime.  She asked that since she is a big girl and could be careful, maybe she could bring you guys into her playroom to watch it with her sometime.  If there is anyone who I can count on to make sure that you both are always a part of our lives it will be your big sister.  Today and everyday, we all love you.