Friday, July 27, 2012

Our Dreaded News

During our pregnancy I felt like the milestone I needed to get through was our appointment on July 18th.  We were heading to Disney World the next day and we would be 17 weeks.  I really felt like after that appointment we could come back from vacation and tell the world.  Not to mention you just want everything to go ok so that we could relax and enjoy our vacation.

I didn't feel good about the appointment going into it.  I was telling Jim on the way there that I was worried and I didn't want the appointment to ruin vacation.  I couldn't explain it then, I can't explain it now, but I just knew something was wrong.

We headed in for the ultrasound and they asked if we wanted to know the sex.  Sure!  We were excited about that!  They began scanning and Charlotte was going on and on to the ultrasound tech about how we were going to Mommy's doctor's appointment, then going home to clean, then heading to Papa's and we were going to get up in the middle of the night to fly to Disney World.  She could recite that sequence in an instant.

While she was scanning I was watching the screen.  I didn't notice anything right away but I saw her move pretty quickly from one baby to the other and then she turned on the color to look for the blood flow.  I had a sinking feeling when she did that that something was wrong.  They didn't usually do that until much later in the ultrasound.  A minute later she grabbed my arm, looked down at me, and said"I'm going to go ahead and grab the doctor."  I said "it's not good?"  And she replied, "No, it's not".

She left the room and Jim and I looked at each other both knowing what it meant.  I was crushed, but somehow not surprised.  I had that bad feeling heading into the appointment, and think sometimes we know things, even when we don't want to admit them to ourselves.  She came back in and told us she had called the doctor who was heading in.  Apparently she was not yet at the office.  She asked us if we wanted to know what she saw.  All I asked is if it was one, or both.  She said it was both, and that was all we needed.

We had some time before the doctor got there.  I think I was in such shock that I couldn't manage emotion.  I just sat there.  Jim was tearing up and I just kept telling him it was going to be ok.  I had so whole heartedley believed until that point that whatever happened was the thing that was supposed to happen that I was some how hanging in there.  A week out from that I am not sure I agree with what I believed.  I was also absolutely so focused on what losing the babies meant, giving birth to two babies who would not be alive, that I am not sure I had anything to give until I made it through that obstacle.

The doctor arrived and confirmed that indeed, their little hearts were no longer beating.  We headed out of the room and to our doctor's office.  We talked briefly, although I am not sure what we talked about.  She gave Charlotte a shell from her desk, that I remember.  We gathered up the kiddos, walked stoically to the car, and went to McDonalds for breakfast.  I am not sure how that happened.  I think we had promised Charlotte that at some point during the morning, although I am not sure when.  Even so, it gave us a chance to sit and stare at each other while Charlotte climbed, blissfully unaware, through the PlayPlace.

We got home and waited for the call from our regular OB.  She would be the one scheduling the induction, and depending on how long it took, hopefully delivering our babies.  We explained to Charlotte that the schedule she could recite so eloquently that morning had changed.  We explained that we had to wait to go to Disney, because Mommy had to get the babies in her tummy up to heaven.  She later asked something about bringing them home.  I explained that they weren't well, and got to go straight to heaven.  She noted that Oliver came home, and I said that he was healthy when he was born, so he was able to come home, but this time I had to get these babies up to heaven.  "Oh", she said, "then can we go to Disney?"  I bit my cheek to try not to cry, little did I know that would be the first of many, many cheek bites over the next week.

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