While Pregnant

Jim and I spent the large majority of our pregnancy being extremely guarded and cautious.  We told very few people we were expecting because the prospect of having to update a large number of people with every doctors appointment and bit of news seemed too much.  Especially because it felt like many of the people we did tell didn't seem to fully understand the gravity of the situation.  We were scared.  Our doctors were very honest with us (something I would not change) and our doctor appointments were trying, mentally and emotionally.  I was desperately seeking someone to understand the fear.  That never happened.

Somehow, even after we knew that the twins were mono mono for sure, we found ourselves starting to get a bit excited.  We had to go to the baby store to get some organic baby food for Oliver for our vacation.  While we were there we looked at cribs, strollers, and what color car seats we wanted to get.  We started getting hopeful and assuming that things would, of course, turn out in the best case scenario.  I mean, thats how things happen right?

We were still scared of the best case scenario, but I would give anything to be in that position right now.  I could be brought to tears thinking about having to leave Charlotte and Oliver for 6-8 weeks.  I was scared of our babies health having to be born so early.  I was absolutely terrified of the thought that Oliver might somehow get "lost" in the shuffle after the babies were home.  He would be just about 1, and with 2 babies to care for and a 3 year old who has no trouble saying, asking, demanding what she wants, we were both scared that Oliver would be the middle man.

There have been times over this last week that I regret having let my guard down and there are times when I am so absolutely thankful that I did take some time to get excited about their arrival, and not just scared.