Sunday, August 19, 2012

One Month ~ Day of Hope

Today, August 19th, marks one month since we had Ruthie and Imogene.  In some respects it feels like it has been ages since that excrutiating day and sometimes it feels like yesterday.  Grieving is certainly a process and I feel like we are managing the as well as can be expected.  Each week has gotten better, but there are certainly tough days.

What we never go through is a day we don't remember or aren't reminded of our girls.  Sometimes it's simple, like yesterday.  We had deli sandwiches for dinner.  You can't eat lunchmeat while you are pregnant and this was the first time I had eaten it since the delivery.  Small thing, big pangs of grief.

Sometimes the hurt is worse.  I took Charlotte and Oliver to the splash park this past week (they had an absolute blast).  On the way there, I was exiting the interstate and realized very quickly that this was the exit we had to take to get to the funeral home.  I couldn't help but choke tears back for the last bit of the way to the park.

I am sure that a quick look back in my blog will tell you one of my hardest days.  I probably shouldn't have blogged at that exact moment, but something like that makes the hurt run so deep.  It brings the dreaded questions of "why us?".  A question that will never be answered.

This last week one night Jim and I stayed up far too late talking about everything.  It was nice to talk about them, our feelings, etc...  One thing we both agreed about was feeling guilty on good days.  I know that we shouldn't feel that way, but it doesn't mean that we don't.  Sometimes we feel like we have to hurt deeply and often to keep them close.  We both know that is not the case, but anyone who has grieved a significant loss will understand that feeling I believe.  Each smile, every laugh, each new memory without them still hurts.

I hate that we lost our girls.  I hate that we aren't going to be able to watch them grow.  I hate that they won't get to know their sister, brother and us.  But what I hate most is that we are not alone.  So many others have experienced the loss of a child.  August 19th is also Day of Hope, I copied the following regarding this special day:

"August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. People view the death of a baby as just a sad thing that happened. These babies that die are not sad things that happen. They are people, much loved and wanted children. They are brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters.
August 19th is about openly speaking about these children and celebrating their short lives.
By having this special day once a year we get people speaking about pregnancy, infant and child loss. And by doing this we break those walls down so that people are not afraid to speak about these children anymore."
Please take some time today to honor those babies you know who have gone.  Don't just honor them quietly or with little fanfare.  Feel free to tell everyone you know about them.  Sing their names!
Ruthie and Imogene, my darling baby girls, Mom and Dad love you and miss you so much.  Charlotte told you guys about watching the Lorax this week.  She didn't know if you could hear her since she was talking to your urn.  I told her that you both would always hear her, and she could talk to you anytime.  She asked that since she is a big girl and could be careful, maybe she could bring you guys into her playroom to watch it with her sometime.  If there is anyone who I can count on to make sure that you both are always a part of our lives it will be your big sister.  Today and everyday, we all love you.  

1 comment:

Emily S. said...

Sweet Mandy,

Your blog comment last week was so kind, and so dear. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I've just barely reached 18 weeks for my pregnancy, and the thought of what you had to endure right at this time breaks my heart. I am so grateful you got time with them, to see the tiny blankets the sweet nurses provided... To know for sure they were girls... To give them their beautiful names... To have a place to keep them by you, in that sweet angel urn.

I am thinking of you, and wishing you moments of peace-without-guilt. You'll be with them again one day. I believe we will get the privilege of raising our lost little ones in the afterlife, that they will be blessed to have you mother them to their spiritual adulthood. I believe that fully.

Be well...